The end. :)

So this blog has some history behind it. It has words of joy, wisdom, tears, depression, and all of the things in the past. But the past no longer exists, for I am not the same person I once was, even yesterday. Yesterday, August 11, 2010 was a life-changing day for me. And in moving on with a new state of life, I have decided to let this be my last post for this blog and start anew. So subscribe to my new blog: http://butterflyogini.blogspot.com

Thank you again for those who take the time out to read my words. I deeply appreciate it.

Struggles Rise Again

I am SO disappointed in myself.
I have fallen back on bad habits.

-I've been eating based on impulse, due to depression seeping back and forth through my soul lately.. It has caused me to want to eat for a temporary satisfaction, when I only end up feeling worse afterwards.
-I've been letting my past take the best of my happiness lately. I've been restlessly thinking about past guys and how I miss what I once had. I've been letting my happiness deplete to nothingness when I am out in public, around couples, or around men who don't seem to take an interest in me at all.
-I've been falling back into this reclusive state of being, where I don't wish to be around hardly anyone, where I just want to be alone... because I don't have the happiness to go around, let alone for myself.
-I've even been letting my own self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth fall through... None of these have been affected for months now, possibly longer. Yet, it's as if a hole has been punched through these aspects and air of support is escaping through the hole.

I have had the most difficult time being happy lately.
One reason is because my roommate is on the verge of being in a relationship with a guy who really seems cool. She talks about everything she experiences with him to me... and it's driving me crazy because I have found myself to become envious of her. I don't want that... I don't like being that way.
But I mean, I work my ass of to get to where I am. I feel like a deserve a good man! I really do!
I work my body out to no end...extensively to get in the most beautiful shape I can..
I take care of myself. I have been disciplining my mind, body, and spirit to self-improve on my weaknesses, my struggles, and my flaws.
I aspire, each day, to grow in understanding, awareness, and truth of my inner spirit, of this world, and most importantly, of the Most High.
I just... I just work so hard to be the most beautiful woman I can be. I see myself. I see others I walk past everyday. I know that I am different. But I also feel I am not what many men want..
I can't be that perfectly, flawless, super model type of girl. I can't be skinny. I can't be the most intelligent, or the most gifted.. I can't be the financially wealthiest... I can't be any of that. I can only be Kristina. I can only be myself in its entirety.

But alas, I feel as though I am not enough... when I'm walking in the streets of the city: I am not dressed so provocatively, I do not have the lightest skin, the longest hair, the prettiest eyes... my nails and feet aren't done with high priced mani and pedicures...I don't wear designer clothes, shoes, bags, or whatever have you.
I find none of those things important. Nor do I feel as though any of the above defines what is the most beautiful.
But unfortunately, this is the society I live in.

I know I have no choice but to move on and get over the guys from my past. But out of all of those guys... only one continues to faintly haunt my mind. And I know it's because he fell out of feelings for me. That makes me feel horrible at times. I didn't do anything wrong. I was just being myself... and he just stopped liking me. I wasn't good enough for him. But who is he to feel that I am not worthy enough?

As much as I love being single, independent, to myself...SometimeS.. I really DO just want to be loved, to be wanted, desired, and longed for by another beautiful man. But I have yet to experience the right time and moment. Let alone, a man whom will find endless beauty through my eyes, my heart, and spirit... A man who has the desire to explore every inner and outer aspect of my being. One who could never get enough of wanting to love every part of me...and would genuinely desire to share his life with my own. A man who would love me as much as I would love him.

I miss that. I wish I had that. I think about it everyday...
Lord, I pray that You help me keep my sanity... for at times, it wears thin.
I remain. ~K

The City, the Diverse, The World: Where I Belong

What's up :)

The more I walk and explore this city, the more I fall in love with it.
It has such character to it. It reminds me of Birmingham, as far as the level and great potential of character goes, but it's so much more lively here than there. I love it.

A lot of diversity and cultures exist in this city. I love that too.

Now, if I could just figure out where the type of guys I'm into roam... lol

I love progressive cities. New York City, San Francisco, Washington D.C., Atlanta. I didn't experience Houston enough to really say the same, but I know it's progressive enough.

Baltimore is really growing on me. At first, when I moved here, I was kind of like... hmm, not quite what I expected, but there really is so much more to this city than one passing through would think. Once a person spends a consistent amount of time in the city, exploring it, they'll find that there is a lot going on here.

Interesting, eccentric, and very liberal people here too. But of course, I love that.

I wish I could live one month in New York City. The more I dwell on residing there, I feel like either I will love it or I won't at all. I see myself living in Brooklyn more than anywhere else. I'm not and never have been a fan of commercialized, touristy areas.. such as Times Square, the Statue of Liberty, and places where more tourists walk the earth than I can even bare to stand.

I like venturing into areas and boroughs that are where the real civilians of the city reside, where they really hang out... where the real life happens. One friend made a really good point: The people living in Manhattan... those people aren't real.. they're millionaires! Haha, he's so right. Most of the world - most of the real people in this world are not millionaires.

But as much of a nature freak as I am, I am definitely a city girl. I love the fast pace, the city lights, the sky scrapers, the plethora of diversity a city brings, the opportunities, the PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION, lol, the nightlife, and the level of sophistication and adventures a city can give. Especially New York and San Francisco. However, I am looking forward to venturing out to other great cities throughout the world. I'm just awaiting on that passport lol... which should be here.. any..week..now..

But you know, as much of a dream and aspiration as I always had to live in New York City, I feel as though it may be the wisest choice not to sometimes. I have to have my balance of silence, slow-pace, and nature... lol there's like little to none of either of those around that city, unless you travel outside of it. That and I would have to make a TON of money to live comfortably. But I believe I could do it. And I like my space a lot. I'm used to that and I feel in that city, that will be hard to come by.

Oh well, but there's nothing like trying, ya know? :)
Man, I've got the biggest craving for orange chicken right now... lmao... I can be such a fatty sometimes. :-P

Totally random... but whatever.
I just love a city life. My mind's always been there. I've been told I belong in New York. I know I always have. I have a mentality.. a mindset of the world. Not just one place. At least, that's what I aspire to be. But I know there are just certain places where I feel at home and that I truly feel myself: Brooklyn, NY, Washington, D.C., San Francisco Bay Area, CA, Asheville, NC. And believe it or not, there are places I've never even been where I know are home to me already for their cultural influences they've had on me: Greece, Brazil, New Zealand, (Toronto and Montreal) Canada, Tokyo, Japan, Amsterdam, NE , Uruguay, Nepal.

Enough blogging for now. :)

Namaste: A New Way of My Life

I have been deeply blessed. For 90 minutes, I sat in a room with over twenty people, a friend, and did the most intense yoga I have ever known, under 125 degree heat, with the international Bikram yoga champion. This yoga is a beautiful form of discipline, mental, and psychological strength and I look forward to doing this regularly. This is going to change my life. :)

I was so excited to go into yoga today and this was dearly a treat for me. I have so much energy right now and I feel so good! I feel rewarded and satisfied! My body feels great... a little worn out, yes, :), but great nonetheless.
It was just so intense and that's what I love when it comes to disciplining the mind, body, and spirit. I have been searching for that. I need discipline in my life, which is one of the reasons why I love to stay active. But this, this targets my mind and my spirit. I felt pushed. There were few times where I lost full focus because of the level of intensity and thoughts trying to enter into my mind. But I knew better.

This week was only $20 for unlimited classes, thanks to the intro program..
But it's kind of expensive. Hopefully I can afford it somehow, because I need this in my life. The heat makes it all the better too.
I also felt a sense of belonging there. The people I met were so nice and even a few supported me in saying, "You can do it :)" That's so encouraging. And even the yoga instructor, who was the International Yoga Champion of Bikram Yoga told me I did amazing. That meant a lot to me! I felt as though I did quite well too :)
But I felt at home. I thought to myself, "This is a place where I can come and get away from it all." My mind was focused on nothing else but my self-improvement and determination. I want greater discipline and greater peace in my life. I believe this will help.

So I shall attempt to aspire implementing yoga into my everyday life. This, along with God, prayer, inspiring word, and all the good from endless aspects of the world, will take me father than I could ever imagine. :)

The Damage is done. Now Move on.

I guess no matter how sincere and genuine of a friend you may be to someone else, there comes a point when a mistake can cause permanent damage to any relationship.

I messed up. I messed up bad.
And it has haunted my mind for so long, since that very night.
I know there is nothing more to do at this point, in mending any aspect of what was once one of the best relationships I ever had.
And what's really messed up is that it was honestly and truthfully a mistake due to not knowing any better and plain ignorance. Because the last thing I would ever intentionally do is hurt someone, cause conflict, or damage to any friendship I have.

But there are a few who actually fall into this category. Right now, my mind is focused on one person, but ultimately from what I can think of.. there are three people that are no longer a part of my life, due to my wrongdoings. I regret the mistakes I made with these three people.

And with one of them, I believe it was just because we fell out of touch completely AND simply because of the person I am.. which sucks, but I can't think of a better reason.

But with the other two, it was clearly because of situations I put myself in that weren't healthy for either one of us... was fun and thrilling at the time but ultimately led to bad outcomes - hence, damaging the relationship between me and the other.

It makes me feel like I am a horrible person sometimes. I know my intentions and my sincerity towards others - it's real. If I could take it all back, I so would - and not get involved in unhealthy situations.

Apologies only go so far, for so long... they can't heal the deepest of wounds sometimes. Hopefully due to the loss of two of the dearest relationships I ever had, I can learn to grow from it and be a wiser, more aware human being.

The unexplained and unfortunate happens... but I really messed up big time with these two people...
I guess after permanent damage, one can only move on, in hopes that time may heal the wounds of guilt and shame it carries..

Blessed be to God, for He is my Man. :)

I was blessed with the one of the greatest and most enlightening messages, from a friend this morning, than ever in my life. I would like to share this with you:

I wrote: Kristina Lewis just wants to experience one guy... just one guy... who actually follows through with what he says and who actually really cares... just one...just one guy I can trust... (O_o)

A friend wrote this to me:
That one guy you're looking for is God. Keep your eyes on Him because " a woman must be so lost in God that a man must FIRST seek Him in order to find her". This quote has meant so much to me in finding the patience to wait for my Boaz. You're very gifted and God is cultivating you in His Word, and through your talents. Continue to study His Word, pray, and stay in His presence. Ask Him to grant you abundant peace in this time of waiting for your man. And, pray for your husband. I've been doing that since I was in high school. Pray that your husband seeks God and conforms to the will of God and may that be your pray also.

Trust in God first because He teaches us how to love one another. He perfects us in His love (1 John 4:12-16). In perfecting us, He prepares us for His ultimate will for our lives. Do not trust what the world can give you---trust in what God can and will give you because THAT is everlasting. No one can touch what God has divinely placed in anyone's lives.
I'll continue to pray for you, but concern yourself not with things of this world. The world gives us loneliness and bitterness to distract us from concentrating on working for God. All things fall into place when you work for Him.



Once I responded, she wrote this in response:
We all fall short. It is our human nature that keeps us from living fully in God's glory. However, His grace, love, peace, mercy, forgiveness, etc, are in ever abundance and I am so grateful for that truth in my life.

The enemy likes to show us through the world all that we do not have in order to distract and discourage us. But our treasures are stored in the "things unseen" rather than what we see. He likes to remind us of all we do not have to keep us from blessing God for all we DO have.

Start small with reading the word. Sometimes, reading Psalms or Proverbs are nice to start out with. Or, ask God to give you a word to meditate on. In whatever instance, ask God for the guidance in seeking His through His word and He will answer!

If you know someone like this in your life, keep them around. People like this are hard to come by and word like this is even harder to obtain. This is real advice. True..beautiful...words...

<3

Maybe A Lonely Road without You awaits...

I am afraid to fall in love. I am afraid to have feelings for another.

How do I know what the other feels?
My intuition is strong within, but carries its limits, because I am human.
I hate being let down when it comes to affection, intimate feelings, and love...
...particularly with those who I care to give my love to... on an intimate level.

But what girl wouldn't agree with me more?

And distance creates the biggest problem of all.

...Yes... there is this guy.
My first boyfriend, my first ever of everything... well, almost everything...
After all of these months and even years, he still feels for me. And after a long, meaningful, and pensive conversation we had, I realized I still feel deeply for him. But to let him know how I feel.. how I really feel.. I find fear in that - thanks to the last relationship I was in. More importantly, distance.
I'm afraid due to all of this, I have obtained a fear of trust.

That's so not what's up.

I wanna be trustworthy. I don't want to be another case of a girl who gives a guy a hard time or no chance at all because of past relationships gone wrong..
But it is difficult, even when you have had only one bad relationship and that one relationship screwed up so much of your outlook on trust and what it really means to love someone.

You know, I have my moments of time, where I am not as strong (i.e. right now) and desire comfort, solace, and a shoulder to lean on..
Someone close to my heart would be the perfect company.. but I have none at this time in my life.

..Thank you distance...

Sure, there's my dad who is the #1 person in my life.. my few real friends who just happen to all be so far away.. maybe a few older family friends who I look up to greatly.. but that's about it..

And of course there is God. He is an automatic.

But I'm talking about that other human being who I can be intimately and passionately close to.. sometimes, I feel my clock ticking (trust me, no babies or long-term commitment awaits any time soon) for that special man to become a daily part of my life...or nights like tonight, when there is a beautiful thunderstorm and I feel all the more beautiful.. but there is no one to embrace me from behind. It feels so lonesome... so hopeless sometimes.

I don't like to be in this state of mind. I am so much stronger than this!
I am an independent, aspiring, young classical opera singer and musician who longs to travel, see, and experience the world. I aspire to have an amazing career!
Settling down or commitment just freak me out. I dare not confide in those options for years to come.

I'm afraid I must detach myself from what I felt were old flames being rekindled. Regardless of how we feel about each other. This, I must do, for my own protection... because it hurts too much to love someone who I know I can't have or be with... thanks to distance and uncertainty of our lives...

Unless... if I could only be proven wrong...

Bye for now...

<3 Nicole