A Sista's Musical Life: Beyond the Keys, Chords, and Notes...

The end. :)

2010-08-12T04:06:00.000-07:00

So this blog has some history behind it. It has words of joy, wisdom, tears, depression, and all of the things in the past. But the past no longer exists, for I am not the same person I once was, even yesterday. Yesterday, August 11, 2010 was a life-changing day for me. And in moving on with a new state of life, I have decided to let this be my last post for this blog and start anew. So subscribe to my new blog: http://butterflyogini.blogspot.com

Thank you again for those who take the time out to read my words. I deeply appreciate it.

Struggles Rise Again

2010-07-24T19:48:00.000-07:00

I am SO disappointed in myself.
I have fallen back on bad habits.

-I've been eating based on impulse, due to depression seeping back and forth through my soul lately.. It has caused me to want to eat for a temporary satisfaction, when I only end up feeling worse afterwards.
-I've been letting my past take the best of my happiness lately. I've been restlessly thinking about past guys and how I miss what I once had. I've been letting my happiness deplete to nothingness when I am out in public, around couples, or around men who don't seem to take an interest in me at all.
-I've been falling back into this reclusive state of being, where I don't wish to be around hardly anyone, where I just want to be alone... because I don't have the happiness to go around, let alone for myself.
-I've even been letting my own self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth fall through... None of these have been affected for months now, possibly longer. Yet, it's as if a hole has been punched through these aspects and air of support is escaping through the hole.

I have had the most difficult time being happy lately.
One reason is because my roommate is on the verge of being in a relationship with a guy who really seems cool. She talks about everything she experiences with him to me... and it's driving me crazy because I have found myself to become envious of her. I don't want that... I don't like being that way.
But I mean, I work my ass of to get to where I am. I feel like a deserve a good man! I really do!
I work my body out to no end...extensively to get in the most beautiful shape I can..
I take care of myself. I have been disciplining my mind, body, and spirit to self-improve on my weaknesses, my struggles, and my flaws.
I aspire, each day, to grow in understanding, awareness, and truth of my inner spirit, of this world, and most importantly, of the Most High.
I just... I just work so hard to be the most beautiful woman I can be. I see myself. I see others I walk past everyday. I know that I am different. But I also feel I am not what many men want..
I can't be that perfectly, flawless, super model type of girl. I can't be skinny. I can't be the most intelligent, or the most gifted.. I can't be the financially wealthiest... I can't be any of that. I can only be Kristina. I can only be myself in its entirety.

But alas, I feel as though I am not enough... when I'm walking in the streets of the city: I am not dressed so provocatively, I do not have the lightest skin, the longest hair, the prettiest eyes... my nails and feet aren't done with high priced mani and pedicures...I don't wear designer clothes, shoes, bags, or whatever have you.
I find none of those things important. Nor do I feel as though any of the above defines what is the most beautiful.
But unfortunately, this is the society I live in.

I know I have no choice but to move on and get over the guys from my past. But out of all of those guys... only one continues to faintly haunt my mind. And I know it's because he fell out of feelings for me. That makes me feel horrible at times. I didn't do anything wrong. I was just being myself... and he just stopped liking me. I wasn't good enough for him. But who is he to feel that I am not worthy enough?

As much as I love being single, independent, to myself...SometimeS.. I really DO just want to be loved, to be wanted, desired, and longed for by another beautiful man. But I have yet to experience the right time and moment. Let alone, a man whom will find endless beauty through my eyes, my heart, and spirit... A man who has the desire to explore every inner and outer aspect of my being. One who could never get enough of wanting to love every part of me...and would genuinely desire to share his life with my own. A man who would love me as much as I would love him.

I miss that. I wish I had that. I think about it everyday...
Lord, I pray that You help me keep my sanity... for at times, it wears thin.
I remain. ~K

The City, the Diverse, The World: Where I Belong

2010-07-21T07:29:00.000-07:00

What's up :)

The more I walk and explore this city, the more I fall in love with it.
It has such character to it. It reminds me of Birmingham, as far as the level and great potential of character goes, but it's so much more lively here than there. I love it.

A lot of diversity and cultures exist in this city. I love that too.

Now, if I could just figure out where the type of guys I'm into roam... lol

I love progressive cities. New York City, San Francisco, Washington D.C., Atlanta. I didn't experience Houston enough to really say the same, but I know it's progressive enough.

Baltimore is really growing on me. At first, when I moved here, I was kind of like... hmm, not quite what I expected, but there really is so much more to this city than one passing through would think. Once a person spends a consistent amount of time in the city, exploring it, they'll find that there is a lot going on here.

Interesting, eccentric, and very liberal people here too. But of course, I love that.

I wish I could live one month in New York City. The more I dwell on residing there, I feel like either I will love it or I won't at all. I see myself living in Brooklyn more than anywhere else. I'm not and never have been a fan of commercialized, touristy areas.. such as Times Square, the Statue of Liberty, and places where more tourists walk the earth than I can even bare to stand.

I like venturing into areas and boroughs that are where the real civilians of the city reside, where they really hang out... where the real life happens. One friend made a really good point: The people living in Manhattan... those people aren't real.. they're millionaires! Haha, he's so right. Most of the world - most of the real people in this world are not millionaires.

But as much of a nature freak as I am, I am definitely a city girl. I love the fast pace, the city lights, the sky scrapers, the plethora of diversity a city brings, the opportunities, the PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION, lol, the nightlife, and the level of sophistication and adventures a city can give. Especially New York and San Francisco. However, I am looking forward to venturing out to other great cities throughout the world. I'm just awaiting on that passport lol... which should be here.. any..week..now..

But you know, as much of a dream and aspiration as I always had to live in New York City, I feel as though it may be the wisest choice not to sometimes. I have to have my balance of silence, slow-pace, and nature... lol there's like little to none of either of those around that city, unless you travel outside of it. That and I would have to make a TON of money to live comfortably. But I believe I could do it. And I like my space a lot. I'm used to that and I feel in that city, that will be hard to come by.

Oh well, but there's nothing like trying, ya know? :)
Man, I've got the biggest craving for orange chicken right now... lmao... I can be such a fatty sometimes. :-P

Totally random... but whatever.
I just love a city life. My mind's always been there. I've been told I belong in New York. I know I always have. I have a mentality.. a mindset of the world. Not just one place. At least, that's what I aspire to be. But I know there are just certain places where I feel at home and that I truly feel myself: Brooklyn, NY, Washington, D.C., San Francisco Bay Area, CA, Asheville, NC. And believe it or not, there are places I've never even been where I know are home to me already for their cultural influences they've had on me: Greece, Brazil, New Zealand, (Toronto and Montreal) Canada, Tokyo, Japan, Amsterdam, NE , Uruguay, Nepal.

Enough blogging for now. :)

Namaste: A New Way of My Life

2010-07-19T18:29:00.000-07:00

I have been deeply blessed. For 90 minutes, I sat in a room with over twenty people, a friend, and did the most intense yoga I have ever known, under 125 degree heat, with the international Bikram yoga champion. This yoga is a beautiful form of discipline, mental, and psychological strength and I look forward to doing this regularly. This is going to change my life. :)

I was so excited to go into yoga today and this was dearly a treat for me. I have so much energy right now and I feel so good! I feel rewarded and satisfied! My body feels great... a little worn out, yes, :), but great nonetheless.
It was just so intense and that's what I love when it comes to disciplining the mind, body, and spirit. I have been searching for that. I need discipline in my life, which is one of the reasons why I love to stay active. But this, this targets my mind and my spirit. I felt pushed. There were few times where I lost full focus because of the level of intensity and thoughts trying to enter into my mind. But I knew better.

This week was only $20 for unlimited classes, thanks to the intro program..
But it's kind of expensive. Hopefully I can afford it somehow, because I need this in my life. The heat makes it all the better too.
I also felt a sense of belonging there. The people I met were so nice and even a few supported me in saying, "You can do it :)" That's so encouraging. And even the yoga instructor, who was the International Yoga Champion of Bikram Yoga told me I did amazing. That meant a lot to me! I felt as though I did quite well too :)
But I felt at home. I thought to myself, "This is a place where I can come and get away from it all." My mind was focused on nothing else but my self-improvement and determination. I want greater discipline and greater peace in my life. I believe this will help.

So I shall attempt to aspire implementing yoga into my everyday life. This, along with God, prayer, inspiring word, and all the good from endless aspects of the world, will take me father than I could ever imagine. :)

The Damage is done. Now Move on.

2010-07-17T11:56:00.000-07:00

I guess no matter how sincere and genuine of a friend you may be to someone else, there comes a point when a mistake can cause permanent damage to any relationship.

I messed up. I messed up bad.
And it has haunted my mind for so long, since that very night.
I know there is nothing more to do at this point, in mending any aspect of what was once one of the best relationships I ever had.
And what's really messed up is that it was honestly and truthfully a mistake due to not knowing any better and plain ignorance. Because the last thing I would ever intentionally do is hurt someone, cause conflict, or damage to any friendship I have.

But there are a few who actually fall into this category. Right now, my mind is focused on one person, but ultimately from what I can think of.. there are three people that are no longer a part of my life, due to my wrongdoings. I regret the mistakes I made with these three people.

And with one of them, I believe it was just because we fell out of touch completely AND simply because of the person I am.. which sucks, but I can't think of a better reason.

But with the other two, it was clearly because of situations I put myself in that weren't healthy for either one of us... was fun and thrilling at the time but ultimately led to bad outcomes - hence, damaging the relationship between me and the other.

It makes me feel like I am a horrible person sometimes. I know my intentions and my sincerity towards others - it's real. If I could take it all back, I so would - and not get involved in unhealthy situations.

Apologies only go so far, for so long... they can't heal the deepest of wounds sometimes. Hopefully due to the loss of two of the dearest relationships I ever had, I can learn to grow from it and be a wiser, more aware human being.

The unexplained and unfortunate happens... but I really messed up big time with these two people...
I guess after permanent damage, one can only move on, in hopes that time may heal the wounds of guilt and shame it carries..

Blessed be to God, for He is my Man. :)

2010-07-15T11:47:00.001-07:00

I was blessed with the one of the greatest and most enlightening messages, from a friend this morning, than ever in my life. I would like to share this with you:

I wrote: Kristina Lewis just wants to experience one guy... just one guy... who actually follows through with what he says and who actually really cares... just one...just one guy I can trust... (O_o)

A friend wrote this to me:
That one guy you're looking for is God. Keep your eyes on Him because " a woman must be so lost in God that a man must FIRST seek Him in order to find her". This quote has meant so much to me in finding the patience to wait for my Boaz. You're very gifted and God is cultivating you in His Word, and through your talents. Continue to study His Word, pray, and stay in His presence. Ask Him to grant you abundant peace in this time of waiting for your man. And, pray for your husband. I've been doing that since I was in high school. Pray that your husband seeks God and conforms to the will of God and may that be your pray also.

Trust in God first because He teaches us how to love one another. He perfects us in His love (1 John 4:12-16). In perfecting us, He prepares us for His ultimate will for our lives. Do not trust what the world can give you---trust in what God can and will give you because THAT is everlasting. No one can touch what God has divinely placed in anyone's lives.
I'll continue to pray for you, but concern yourself not with things of this world. The world gives us loneliness and bitterness to distract us from concentrating on working for God. All things fall into place when you work for Him.

Once I responded, she wrote this in response:
We all fall short. It is our human nature that keeps us from living fully in God's glory. However, His grace, love, peace, mercy, forgiveness, etc, are in ever abundance and I am so grateful for that truth in my life.

The enemy likes to show us through the world all that we do not have in order to distract and discourage us. But our treasures are stored in the "things unseen" rather than what we see. He likes to remind us of all we do not have to keep us from blessing God for all we DO have.

Start small with reading the word. Sometimes, reading Psalms or Proverbs are nice to start out with. Or, ask God to give you a word to meditate on. In whatever instance, ask God for the guidance in seeking His through His word and He will answer!

If you know someone like this in your life, keep them around. People like this are hard to come by and word like this is even harder to obtain. This is real advice. True..beautiful...words...

<3

Maybe A Lonely Road without You awaits...

2010-07-13T17:56:00.000-07:00

I am afraid to fall in love. I am afraid to have feelings for another.

How do I know what the other feels?
My intuition is strong within, but carries its limits, because I am human.
I hate being let down when it comes to affection, intimate feelings, and love...
...particularly with those who I care to give my love to... on an intimate level.

But what girl wouldn't agree with me more?

And distance creates the biggest problem of all.

...Yes... there is this guy.
My first boyfriend, my first ever of everything... well, almost everything...
After all of these months and even years, he still feels for me. And after a long, meaningful, and pensive conversation we had, I realized I still feel deeply for him. But to let him know how I feel.. how I really feel.. I find fear in that - thanks to the last relationship I was in. More importantly, distance.
I'm afraid due to all of this, I have obtained a fear of trust.

That's so not what's up.

I wanna be trustworthy. I don't want to be another case of a girl who gives a guy a hard time or no chance at all because of past relationships gone wrong..
But it is difficult, even when you have had only one bad relationship and that one relationship screwed up so much of your outlook on trust and what it really means to love someone.

You know, I have my moments of time, where I am not as strong (i.e. right now) and desire comfort, solace, and a shoulder to lean on..
Someone close to my heart would be the perfect company.. but I have none at this time in my life.

..Thank you distance...

Sure, there's my dad who is the #1 person in my life.. my few real friends who just happen to all be so far away.. maybe a few older family friends who I look up to greatly.. but that's about it..

And of course there is God. He is an automatic.

But I'm talking about that other human being who I can be intimately and passionately close to.. sometimes, I feel my clock ticking (trust me, no babies or long-term commitment awaits any time soon) for that special man to become a daily part of my life...or nights like tonight, when there is a beautiful thunderstorm and I feel all the more beautiful.. but there is no one to embrace me from behind. It feels so lonesome... so hopeless sometimes.

I don't like to be in this state of mind. I am so much stronger than this!
I am an independent, aspiring, young classical opera singer and musician who longs to travel, see, and experience the world. I aspire to have an amazing career!
Settling down or commitment just freak me out. I dare not confide in those options for years to come.

I'm afraid I must detach myself from what I felt were old flames being rekindled. Regardless of how we feel about each other. This, I must do, for my own protection... because it hurts too much to love someone who I know I can't have or be with... thanks to distance and uncertainty of our lives...

Unless... if I could only be proven wrong...

Bye for now...

<3 Nicole

Love is like an open sea

2010-07-10T06:51:00.000-07:00

Love really is like the ocean... or at least the open sea.

Literally, figuratively, metaphorically:

Love is..

It is vast and greater than any other living force in our world,
It seems overwhelming in greatness, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
It is the greatest aspect of thought and action we each use throughout every moment of everyday. Really. Think about it. With most things you do, it is due to a love that pushes you to complete each task. Without a love for something or someone, INCLUDING yourself, there is no motivation.. there is no purpose for any action or any thought.

As love can be compared to the ocean as our world, figuratively speaking, the endless and countless fish in the sea can be compared to each race, culture, and human being.
There are always possibilities, potentials, and in other words, "Other fish in the sea" as people would say... At times, it may not feel that way, but each person in this world is unique... no 'one' person is the same as another as no one fish in the sea is the same. How amazing is that? :)

And as with the endless species of fish in the sea, there are as many personalities -- just like us. Make-ups that are crazy.. exciting.. spiritual.. intelligent.. highly ambitious.. very laid-back.. mellow.. chill.. type A.. type B.. artistic.. musical.. logical.. religious.. rebellious.. I could go on, you know that. There are your good spirits who genuinely mean well, but are very very hard to come by.. there are also ones who seem genuine and good, but inside are very deceitful and you would never know it until it's too late.. there are those with just completely bad intentions... and then there are many who have a combination of both good and 'difficult to handle' qualities. Haha, I will not say bad, for we all have flaws. But limits are endless when it comes to people in the world, as the fish in the sea. In other words, bad perceptions of individuals DO EXIST. :-P

The sea is limitless, at least to our limited perception... we cannot even fathom all that exists from the shallowest to the deepest layers of the ocean. This can also be said of love. Love is limitless.. for it can reach an unconditional level; we cannot fully understand nor fathom the greatest heights to which love can be achieved. God loves us to these heights. And I know, for sure, that we cannot even grasp, comprehend or imagine the completeness of God's love. So, love is greater than anything we could ever imagine.

Now this isn't saying that it is as easy to obtain this as it is to speak of it. Haha, no no no.. true and powerful love is EXTREMELY hard to come by... some never see it. Many never believe or have faith in it... Others will settle for anything that comes their way, just to experience a mediocrity of love. But love should always be seen as an honor, a privilege, especially when you feel the greatness of it. But even in the smallest, faintest sense, should love be deeply gratified. And just because love fails between another human being, does not mean love isn't for you. Love is for us all. Love shows itself through endless aspects of life, BESIDES human beings. Love can be seen through all the good that has been created -- Nature, matter, the weather, every passion, gift, and talent we carry; the clothing on our bodies, the food and nourishment from it we obtain, the roofs over our head; from every hair follicle, every breath we inhale to every grain of rock and dirt we walk on every minute of the day. Even every building that was made -- had some kind of love put into it -- otherwise, there would be nothing. It would have all started with the thought of passion to become someone who was capable of creating such architecture in the first place - whether it be for the love or the money -- haha -- All of that being said..

Love runs deep... deeper than blood through our veins. Love is unseen as much as it is seen. Love is incomprehensible as much as it comprehensible. It has no limits and should be looked upon as the greatest action anyone could ever give to another, for it was founded.. it was created.. it is the greatest action given to us by God, by anyone or anything that has made you a better self..

Love isn't blind nor is it colorblind.
Love is everything you can and cannot see...

Love is like the ocean..
Love is like an open sea...

I rest in reclusion.

2010-07-04T21:00:00.000-07:00

I hate gossip...
I despise drama....
I tolerate no confrontation...

I am a peaceful person. I don't do confrontation and drama... especially when I have done nothing wrong.

People can be so cruel in this world... so inconsiderate.
Why must people spread information they shouldn't? Why do people talk badly about others when they don't wish for the same themselves?

Our society is screwed.

I can't trust anyone. Really. Hardly at all.
Now I really can see why our society is a mess. No one trusts no one. People hate each other. People have more enemies than friends... Violence is an option...

It's all because of where it starts... with rumors, backstabbers, and people who mean no good... all for the attention, the excitement, and jealousy.

I don't like to gossip or talk about others for a reason... it's not right, especially because I know I never want to be treated that way as well. Why can't people just be happy with themselves and not let other people get to them, unintentionally?

This is why I keep to myself. This is why I'm quiet. Sure, I am outgoing and sociable... but you know what, screw that side of me for a while.

I'm going into recluse mode. Goodbye.

A Realization: I am what I am.

2010-07-02T20:42:00.000-07:00

Externally, I lead a balanced, social, adventurous, exciting, progressive, hard-working life as a musician. It is also complimented with an opposite side of living chill, laid-back, peaceful, tranquil, meditative, and slower pace.

Internally, I live a life of reclusion, solitude, discipline, and devotion to living hand in hand with the Lord, the Most High. My circle encompasses so few. I never allow all of myself to anyone at this point of my life and onward. For that is unhealthy and unwise to my well-being.

lol so this wasn't originally how I wanted to word these thoughts. Based on my love for poetic wording, I'll try again... but that was an attempt to go into detail:

Externally, I lead a life of adventure, excitement, progression, and enlightenment. It is hard-working, socially overflowing with new and old, earning silver and gold, for a life ever so bold.

But internally, reclusive I am. For within my circle, within my world, stands the Lord, my dad, few real friends, and I. My world resembles a pearl. Ever so pure, ever so clear in thought and understanding, for internally, I lead a life of discipline, of achieving greater understanding.

In these recent years, I have discovered my likeness for solitude. At first I felt it was a flaw. But in recent times, it has come to my knowledge that it is a beautiful thing. One that is rare and hard to find. As one of my dearest friends enlightened me of on this very night:

"We are both distant, closed off, hard to reach people. We take time. But when one takes the time, a rare beauty lies beneath the surface of worldly distance. This is why we work as friends."
~Cogito Ergo Sum

It is more than amazing... more than great to know that I am not alone and that this life I lead, is at least understood by one. But regardless, God understands, for He made me this way. I shall have no regrets about my make-up, for I am beautiful, I am well, and I am one with the Lord.

Always and forever
I remain...

~KNL

Lounge in Peace and Understanding :)

2010-07-02T19:19:00.000-07:00

Earthy.... soulful.... classy.... spiritual.... sophisticated.... spirited.... worldly.... moving.... unique.... sensual.... creative.... tropical.... ambient.... elevated.... enlightening.... inspiring.... influential.... chill.... relaxing.... meditative.... divine.... free.... free.... free....

Yes, these are words that describe the vibes I have been getting into lately. These music selections have been quite a moving force in my life. I'll name a few artists:
Stephane Pompougnac, Bebel Gilberto, Thievery Corporation, Max Melvin (definitely).
But all in all, Brazilian lounge, French and European lounge, Latin, downtempo, trip-hop, and world music is what have been my greatest passions lately. I can't get enough of these genres.

They are so moving, so inspiring, so enlightening, and uplifting. They really create an atmosphere of peace, chill, tranquility, laid-backness, serenity, relaxation, and power.

I always seem to feel in my own world of meditation, feeling good, progression, yet -- as if everything is right in the world. My aura bursts and shines with elation, with ease, grace, yet sophistication.

This music is more than just sounds and vibrations of feel good sounds....
It is a foundation in my lifestyle. I live my life through these sounds....
I am who I am with a great and powerful influence based on these music genres, plus so much more. It's not just music I like.... it's music I live.

I am this music. :)

To be :)

2010-06-20T20:33:00.000-07:00

I <3 and I live..
To be.
To understand.
To hear all that surrounds, see every sound.
Envision every vibration and every wave of emotion beyond comprehension.
To be...Music: that which explains what words and thoughts cannot.
To be....

Spring

2010-03-13T17:43:00.000-08:00

Getting out more is such a beautiful thing. Treating myself to exercise and peppermint tea at a cafe is so relaxing. My spring break has begun... and tomorrow, I fly off to a place I have never been, but believe I will want to stay for the rest of my life once I go...

I need to be good to myself. Drink more herbal teas, work out more regularly (and now that the opera is over, I should definitely be able to), appreciate and pray to God more often, thank Him for my blessings and for every moment that is good and that is challenging. Meditate into the senses of deep spiritual levels and become as close to nature as I can. We all under appreciate it. I feel a strong connection with nature. The branches of every tree can be related to the veins in our body. We are so alike. The animals, the mammals, the sky, the air, the sun, the moon, the rain, etc. The spring rain, especially, I can connect with greatest. It is so refreshing. Spring, I believe is my favorite season of the year. It is the rebirth of nature, the season for falling in love, the season of hopeful, brighter, and warmer days.

A greater sense of motivation, of opportunity, of positive emotion and uplifting auras fills the sky. Everything and all of nature has been touched and carries sweet and sensitive aromas of newness, purity, peace, and grace. Life is beautiful and I hope to keep it that way. :)

Unique Opportunity.

2010-03-04T18:52:00.000-08:00

Guess who performed for THE Marilyn Horne today?! I DID! And she LOVED my voice! I felt so priviledged and honored to have sung for such a renowned opera singer! How blessed am I... thank you God. Thank you...

Ways to meet happiness

2010-02-26T11:34:00.000-08:00

I have got to work out more. I'm about to go do so now. I feel as though this and staying away from such fattening foods is the only way to really be happy. I must stay fit. I must stay active.

The focus for consistent self-discipline.

2010-02-07T19:11:00.000-08:00

I did my ab and stretch workout for the first time today in weeks.
I hate the fact that I've fallen off the wagon on this.
I need greater self-discipline. I NEED more motivation. Haha.
Like really though... the cold weather, rehearsals and classes, and lack of going out have all had me quite unmotivated...although I've seen worse...
I still don't mind getting out -- but it's mainly because of how I feel mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I feel pretty strong. :) It's awesome.
But physically... ugh... I always put on like between 10-20lbs. during the winter. And technically, it's normal for humans or mammals in general to go into that mode of putting on weight. It's like storing fat due to the colder weather. Haha. But I'm not really worried because I know when it gets warm, my motivation goes up :)
I LOVE warm weather. I LOVE the sun. I love being outside and experience the beauty of being one with nature. I like being outside though -- going places, walking places and people seem to like to be more sociable and outgoing -- and adventurous in general, when it's warmer. I mean, I feel similarly in the winter, but even more so in the summer.
I love working out and when it's warm, I can actually workout outside and that excites me.

I have this image of myself -- in the way I want to be seen.
I see this tall, lean, toned beautiful African-American spirit, whose mind is free and spirit is one with God, nature, and music of the highest aural satisfaction. Haha. I'm serious though. Long, full natural hair; soft, evenly toned brown skin, beautiful hands, legs, and feet; and a body to be praised. I'm close, but I have another year before I see those real results with my hair (since I JUST went natural in November) and as far as my body goes -- people see me as a skinny girl (although there's literally no way in the world I really am) but I still see myself as a big girl. It's because of my stomach, which I am very self-conscious of. I've got to do better.
This is my biggest challenge. I want it to be so toned. No 6 packs. But to whereas, it has a beautiful curvaceous sexy figure -- like that of an Amazon woman. :) I see myself as someone who is full of spiritual beauty and a great humility towards nature, life, and all things enlightening. Things that are pure, untouched, and free. (although, knowing my Gemini side, I also like things that have experience, adventure, and a crazy/loose side to them -- that aren't necessarily untouched, pure, and innocent.) haha.

Motivation would be most helpful, to anyone who happens to come across this post. For we are all connected through the spirit of God within each and every one of us. We are all one spirit...

Perception of Oneself

2010-02-06T20:47:00.001-08:00

My dad called me earlier today.
And out of all of the praying and meditation I've been doing: which was in asking God for helping me to gain strength in who I am, to be strong with and without any significant other in my life, and to find true happiness from within...
My dad just randomly starting speaking to me about how not to let anyone shake the foundation I have created, based on what has brought me thus far. It was a real blessing to hear these words. For lately, my faith has been little, my foundation has been questioned and messed with... and you know what, no more man. To hell with it. I don't CARE what anyone thinks of my lifestyle, the way I pursue my goals, ambitions, and aspirations.
I am an adventurous being -- and I live my life for God as well as for my own enjoyment/fulfillment. No.. one.. else. I AM happy with who I am. I love myself. Sure, I have put on the normal 10-15 lbs. during the winter, but it's coming off once it warms up. I think that is completely normal. I still look beautiful. I am an African-American queen. One who will never forget her roots, her past, but will only reflect upon it in bettering her future -- and for reflection of life experiences and lessons learned. Otherwise, the past is dead to me.
I am a free spirit -- one who is open-minded and unconditional in the growth of knowledge and understanding, yet, I work hard to maintain my boundaries. I know I am not perfect and still am greatly persuaded by humanly temptations, but I know I can stay strong and not falter.
I have layers. There are sides to me very few know. There are even sides to me no one knows. This is healthy and this is normal, for I know I am not alone when it comes to this.
Most people get the impression that I am very quiet and reserved. This is good. My reputation is most important, through my profession and relationship with others, and the well-being of others matters greatly to me. But I do have sides that would surprise any individual who does not know me. I used to want people to know about these sides of me; I used to want people to figure them out... but I realize, it's a very good and valuable thing that it is very well hidden within. People need not know about myself. For one is more powerful, when he is in control of himself -- and with-holding from others gives one power. (As bad as that may sound.)

2010-02-04T16:42:00.000-08:00

Hello again...

So I am on a real spiritual journey. I am finding myself through the direction God guides me in, at every moment.

I will not let any past situation overcome my well-being. I will succeed. I will triumph.

I had a wonderful few hours long conversation with my accompanist and more importantly, wonderful friend, Hyejin. She is a blessing in my life. She is so genuine, so real, and so honest. I have a feeling she and I are going to form a great, beautiful friendship.

But speaking with her really helped me refocus my spirit and my mind. She has such an amazing attitude -- when it comes to her point of view with men. She just isn't phased if the relationship has ended. I ADMIRE THAT. She moves on and is still happy for her exs if they find someone new. I, too, would be happy for any of the guys, if they found someone new. However, whether it greatly affects me or not totally depends on that guy.

A City Life:

I am in an environment that means more to me, a place where I can be more free...
A life where I roam around and feel the city wind, the city voices, the never-ending infrastructure...
I love my city life -- there is still grass and trees, beauty by nature and by God -- but there is so much more human life,
opportunities galore, at last.
Diversity that blows my mind, races of every kind...
To get around is easier than ever before, public transportation rules and makes me love the city just that much more...
I love my city life, nightlife at its finest, everyone's out, walking, running about, there is purpose and priority at its highest.

Recluse. A spiritual journey. An Elaboration.

2010-02-02T09:22:00.001-08:00

Here I am, at the Peabody Conservatory of Music, in Baltimore, MD.
It is a Tuesday as I have 40 minutes before class...

I just read my first blog I wrote last night.
It was beautiful. Especially when I went into a descriptive mode of how I see myself.
I must repost this, for it is inspiring to me:

"I was something before any of these people came into my life, and I will be even more of something tomorrow and the day after, as I am something great now. This ideal state of mind I desire -- I am achieving daily. I know how I am and so does God.
I am a free spirit. I do have boundaries. I do have limits. But an ever open mind, an ever peaceful and serene spirit. I am one with nature, one with music, and one with the spirit of God, which resides within me -- which IS me. For we are all gods -- the spirit of God resides within us all -- and we are of Him. 'I am a philosophical, spiritual, artistic, eclectic mind. An aura of peace, serenity, understanding, enlightenment. One who experiences blessings, joy, acceptance of the self. I am the poet. I am the artist. I am of the holy spirit of God.'"

I loved the way I put this. I was in a state of deep focus last night, when I wrote this. Nothing else mattered.

I feel truly individual and unique. God has helped me in finding countless new ways, in which he approves of, to be truly happy physically alone and mentally, emotionally, and spiritually connected with everyone, yet with boundaries that allow for a healthy lifestyle. It is tempting to head in the wrong direction at times, but I call on Him for guidance consistently -- in hopes that I will not fall.

Truly enlightening. :)

I was sitting in BOA -- now I'm in the library.
So, of course, I'm listening to music. Dubstep...

This music is my newest and latest fascination. I have religiously been into dubstep since ... October 2009? It just puts me in the most laid-back, carefree, peaceful and serene state of mind and being that I have ever been in. Now, of course, there are a few other artists who reach a similar level -- but with dubstep -- especially REALLY GOOD dubstep -- I just... don't care... about caring. lol If that makes any sense.

Music has this ability to aid us in achieving different levels of being. I feel so much of myself -- that I have recently discovered -- that I have never felt beforehand. A side of myself I could definitely get used to. I just aim to keep this state of being throughout the day, when I am not listening to this music -- especially in times of unease, stress, pressure, and worry.

Dubstep puts me in a state of mind where I look forward to whatever life has to offer me. Whether it be alone or with another. I am constantly finding a higher level of peace in being alone -- as this had been a struggle for me since I was 19 years old (but especially in the past year of 2009). I just don't give a fuck about anything -- anyone's opinions of myself. It gives me a level of confidence I just can only find in the most moving of classical music and just about any Pat Metheny hehe.

And this whole concept of things being dark -- Daniel put this concept in my head of the word dark being a bad concept, regardless of how and whenever it is used. But that is a bunch of bs. The term dark does not imply an evil one, depending on when it is used. In reference to my tastes in music -- yes, darker sonorities and darker timbres, I do enjoy. That does not dictate the type of spirit I have -- that does not conclude to me being dark or evil. On the contrary, my spiritual connection with God and the understanding He and I have with one another concludes to a very bright connection. However, without darkness, there is no light -- and if there is too much light, one cannot see. This darkness is never an evil one -- but a description used to describe sound, color, and an affect on the subconscious and spirit. It is something that has and always will intrigue me. Darkness and light create a balance -- and most importantly, the last thing I intend on doing is being a dark spirit (in the sense of evil). That does not even exist in my nature and if traces of dark temptation ever came about -- God would guide me away from it for I know is watching over me -- every minute of the day, through all the days of my life.

Recluse. A spiritual journey.

2010-02-01T21:13:00.000-08:00

Recluse, I have become.

I'm finding it best to keep to myself.

For the longest, I've felt as though I have shared too much of myself with too many people. Particularly those who don't show true interest -- and those who I don't have a strong bond with.

But.. no more.

I refuse to become emotionally affected by anyone, anymore. Attachment, I find very unattractive. Moreover, becoming hurt by anyone -- is just not an option.

Right now, I'm at a pretty low point in my mental and emotional state of being. Spiritually, I feel alright, but not as strong as I have been. I've been finding it necessary to keep to myself because I am not stable right now. (well, maybe it's because of my period) lol but my emotions and my state of mind is especially unstable this go round...

I'm done with becoming close to anyone -- on a more than friends basis -- on my part right now. I am just so turned-off by the idea of becoming close with someone on that level, that I subconsciously make no effort. Only if the other shows real interest, do I even budge.

Okay, well, maybe being done with it is a bit extreme. But I feel isolated. My spirit -- on a more than friends level -- feels isolated and inadequate.

I am at a state of mind and being where I lack confidence in hopeful love. I have such little faith in love actually happening to me, that I have given up trying. They say what one thinks is what becomes of oneself. I try to steer away from becoming the negative thoughts that carry on throughout my mind -- such as when it comes to love and relationships -- but I have yet to experience anything real.

All -- except one -- of the relationships I've ever had began online. Such crap. I want someone to find interest in me based on them getting to know me in person first and foremost. That, to me, would really show that they find real interest -- not only in the mental, emotional, and spiritual sense, but physical as well -- which is equally important.

Although I have been on the highest level of happiness with myself, right now, I am clearly not happy with where I stand in self-improvement right now. Stop fucking beating around the bush, Kristina. I am not happy with myself right now.

I still have cared too much of the thoughts and opinions of others -- what is or what may be -- based on my actions and reactions. But overtime, this will cease to exist. I was something before any of these people came into my life, and I will be even more of something tomorrow and the day after, as I am something great now.

This ideal state of mind I desire -- I am achieving daily. I know how I am and so does God.

I am a free spirit. I do have boundaries. I do have limits. But an ever open mind, an ever peaceful and serene spirit. I am one with nature, one with music, and one with the spirit of God, which resides within me -- which IS me.

For we are all gods -- the spirit of God resides within us all -- and we are of Him.

I am a philosophical, spiritual, artistic, eclectic mind. An aura of peace, serenity, understanding, enlightenment. One who experiences blessings, joy, acceptance of the self. I am the poet. I am the artist. I am of the holy spirit of God.

Reflective, mysterious. But patience I lack. This I must gain greater achievement in. As I lack in many things -- as I lack understanding in many things. But I aspire to improve and grow in improvement I will.

I let NO ONE determine how I should be. Only that of the guidance of my father, sisters. The only spirit who determines anything and everything of my being is God. No one else has that authority. Not even my family -- not on that level. And He speaks within -- allowing me to understand the difference between right and wrong. Wise and unwise.

Regardless, for now, I withdraw myself from the world. For reclusive, I have become.

I live within my own world, in God's heaven, in His song, and in His love -- all of that He has given me. And right now, I live within a realm of intense meditation and study.

It is just the two of us -- He and I. And as I walk physically alone, He guides me:

He leads me in a direction of seclusion -- so that I may put my life in check, in perspective, and in soon-to-be, greater understanding.